Black Flower and Butterfly
by pika318
Summary: Short story about the childhood days of the two Asian Exorcists, from the day they met until Komui's arrival.
1. Two Children

**Pika318: **Since Moko-chan isn't writing for the time being, I had a sudden inspiration and decided to write this. Can be seen as a supplementary fic to Moko-chan's story. Or just an alternate version to Moko-chan's version

**Disclaimer: **As usual, D Gray Man belongs to Hoshino-sensei.

* * *

Lenalee sighed

Lenalee sighed as she was led, yet again, to Hevlaska to get her innocence tested. They had been doing that every other day ever since she was six. But no matter how many tests they did, they could never get her to activate her Dark Boots properly or get satisfactory syncronisation rates. While the Scientists are baffled over the figures and the results and are trying to find the reason for her poor performance so they would not anger _him, _Lenalee knew the exact reason why there were no results.

She disliked the Dark Boots, hated it even. She hated it for coming to her so that she had to be separated from Komui nii-san. She could never forget his face as she was taken away by the priests. He looked like his world had collapsed. He wasn't alone, so had hers.

But after she reached the Order, no matter how much she pleaded, they wouldn't listen to her. They ignored her when she cried, and continued doing more tests on her. She hated the tests. During the tests, she faced the discomfort of being observed, like she was a test subject, a white mouse. And there was _him. _He always stared at her with such intensity, like she was a naughty child, when she couldn't produce any results. And the _cloaked things _around him didn't make things better. She always ended up being nervous when _he_ was around, which did not help with her feeble efforts to activate Dark Boots. As always, after some time, the Scientists would give up, and she would be brought back to her room.

Watching the Scientists pack up, she realized her other fear besides _him_. Seeing all the adults around her made her feel so small and helpless. Being so much bigger than her, she constantly felt threatened when they approached.

_If only there was another child I could talk to._

She dismissed her wistful wish almost immediately. It was impossible, no other child exorcist came ever since she did, making her the youngest exorcist in the order. Two years have already passed, what are the chances? She would probably grow up, lonely, never seeing her brother again.

"General Tiedoll, I see that you are back. I'll be expecting your report. And the new Exorcist?"

Lenalee turned at the voice. Ever since she came to the Order, whenever _he _spoke around her, it was always directed at the Scientists, Finders or herself. Who is this General Tiedoll? Turning around, she saw a rather old person, with a beard. However, what struck her as strange was the kindness and gentleness reflected in his eyes. She never thought anyone in the Order would be able to look like that. All the people around her were always aloof or cold, just like prison wardens.

"I left him with Marie. Both of them should be coming over once Marie showed him around the place." The one named General Tiedoll answered.

As if on cue, the door to the lab opened. Lenalee looked towards the door to see Marie. She saw him around the Order, but never talked to him. He was big, which sort of frightened her. There was someone following him. A child with beautiful long hair, just like her. Her heart skipped a beat. Did someone actually hear her wish? It was a child her age.

General Tiedoll turned at Marie's entrance and acknowledged both Marie and the younger child with a smile. Lenalee wished that someone could smile at her like that.

"Come here, Yuu-kun. We have to get your innocence tested." General Tiedoll said. The younger child paused for a while, rather overwhelmed by the facilities of the place.

"Don't be shy. It'll only take a short while." Tiedoll said warmly. The younger child scowled a bit before walking up to the General. Meanwhile, _he _looked on with such a disapproving face. Lenalee couldn't tell if it's because of the fact that another child got brought in, meaning more trouble, or if he was unhappy with the way the General treated his disciples. Because disciples aren't meant to be protected. _He _said it over and over again, so many times to the nurses, that she could memorise it.

* * *

Kanda decided that he disliked the person in front of him. The person had a look which told others that he looked down on them. It was very different from Tiedoll's gaze, which always held kindness and respect. Not that he liked Tiedoll a lot either.

As the person discussed with Tiedoll about his innocence, Kanda took the time to look around the room. It wasn't long before he spotted a small figure in the middle of the people in white coats. It was a girl. She looked younger than him.

* * *

Lenalee shifted her gaze to the child, and at that moment, Lenalee's and Kanda's eyes met. Violet met Blue as they stared at each other. One held hope, the other curiousity.

_Finally, another child, I want to make friends._

_Who is she, another Exorcist?_

* * *

Tiedoll tapped Kanda on his shoulder, "We'll bring you to see Hevlaska, come on." Kanda turned towards his Master, and the eye contact broke. Lenalee too, was now surrounded by Finders, ready to bring her back to her room. She stood up and followed the Finders.

_I want to meet that child again._ _Hopefully, it will be soon._

**Pika318: **Rather short chapter, but what do you guys think about it?

* * *


	2. First Conversation

**Disclaimer: **D. Gray-man and its characters belong to Hoshino-sensei.

**Chapter 2: First Conversation**

* * *

Kanda walked towards the edge of the forest, searching for a suitable shady spot to read his book. His master, General Tiedoll, had told him that reading books would help him improve his English before bringing him to the library and leaving him there 'to explore the wonders of books', whatever that meant.

Finding a good spot, Kanda sat down on one of the tree's large roots before opening the book "Collection of Fables, By Brothers Grimm". It wasn't long before he finished the first story, which was about a little girl and a wolf, who died. He paused for a while, thinking about the strangeness of English stories. How do you even mistake a wolf for a person? And how can people survive even after getting eaten? Kanda was starting to get a headache, so he gave up on thinking about the strange mindset of English writers.

Before he could start on the second story, titled 'Hansel and Gretel', he was suddenly conscious of a person standing nearby. Looking up, he saw that it was the girl from yesterday.

Lenalee decided to take a walk outside after having her breakfast. She always walked around the forest area outside the Order when there were no tests to be done. It gave her a false sense of freedom, away from the constricting walls of the building and the watchful eyes of the adults. It always made her feel better for a while, those walks outside, even if escape for her was impossible.

Leaving the Order building, she headed towards the forest, savouring the cool air of the morning. She was about to take her usual route around the worn paths of the forest when she noticed a figure sitting under a large tree, reading a book. It was the child she met yesterday, in Hevlaska's chamber. She quickly walked towards the child, wanting to talk, to make friends. But as she approached, she was suddenly aware of the fact that she didn't know what to say, having never spoken to another child ever since she came. So she just stood there, waiting to be noticed. It wasn't long before the other child looked up, conscious of her presence.

"Umm…hi." Lenalee said awkwardly.

* * *

"Umm…hi." Kanda heard the girl say. Not really knowing what to say in return, he just stared at her, curious of her presence.

Lenalee noticed the gaze and realized she had to be the one to take the first step if she wanted this child to be her friend. But what can she say?

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" she asked tentatively. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she realized it was not the best thing to say. Usually, people introduce themselves first.

Expecting a rejection, she was quite surprised when she heard 'Okay' from the child. Trying hard not to seem too excited, she found a spot on the tree root next to the child before sitting down.

* * *

Kanda studied the girl who just sat down next to him. He could tell she was Asian, but not Japanese. She was obviously younger than him, but is she an Exorcist as well? He had not seen another Asian ever since he entered the Order, so he was quite curious about her.

"My name is Lenalee, what's yours?" Kanda was rather surprised at the sudden question. Apparently, this girl was rather talkative as well.

"Kanda."

Lenalee paused, the name that was given was different from what she heard yesterday. Maybe she should ask?

"But yesterday, didn't someone call you Yuu-kun?"

Kanda cringed. He never liked the fact that his master insisted on calling him by his first name, and now someone else overheard?

"Never mind that person. Just call me Kanda." He said quite agitatedly.

"Oh, ok." Sensing the child's discomfort, she obliged quickly.

"So Kanda, how old are you?"

"Ten"

"Well, I'm eight, so that you make you two years older than me. That would still make me the youngest Exorcist."

_So __this girl is an Exorcist. _Kanda thought. He wondered what her Innocence is.

"What Innocence do you use?"

Lenalee pointed at her feet. "You see the black shoes I'm wearing? These are the Dark Boots. When activated, they're supposed make me really fast in the air and give me great kicking power. But I can't do it yet."

"Why not?"

"I don't like it. The Innocence."

Kanda found it puzzling. According to his Master, Exorcists were born to wield Innocence, how do you dislike something you were born to use?

Lenalee studied the other child. With pale complexion but dark blue eyes and blue hair as long as hers, she thought that the child was prettier than her. When she was younger, her brother always called her cute. Kanda was as pretty as she was cute. She suddenly felt quite envious. Studying Kanda's face further, she saw the puzzled look and realized that she might have said something quite weird, since Exorcists were not known to dislike Innocence.

"I don't like Dark Boots because when it found me, I was separated from my older brother. I didn't want to go, but they took me away anyway. I miss him." Lenalee said sadly. Thinking about her brother, whom she might not meet again, hurt.

"Oh." Kanda didn't know what to say, he couldn't relate to her, and he was never good at words to start with.

There was a long pause in the conversation. Trying to fill in the awkward silence, Lenalee changed the topic.

"Do you have any family then?"

Family? Kanda thought. Strangely, he didn't have any impression of having lived with a family. His first few memories consisted of being found by his Master. He didn't have any memory of anything or anyone before that time. But he must have had a family or at least someone who knew him right? What else could explain him surviving in Japan and the letter that proved his existence?

"I don't know. Maybe I had one once."

Lenalee thought about the strange answer. Maybe Kanda lost both parents really early on? Suddenly, she thought of a very good suggestion.

"Well, since I'm not with my family right now, and you don't seem to have one…maybe we can be siblings? We do look about the same and… I really don't mind having an older sister."

"…"

There was a prolonged pause in the conversation. Lenalee thought Kanda was thinking about her idea, until she realized that Kanda looked kind of irritated and embarrassed at the same time. Did she say something wrong?

Kanda paused as he processed what Lenalee just said. Did she actually think he was a girl?! Even if it was an honest mistake, it went a little too far. Did he really look that much like a girl?

"Did I say something you don't like?" Lenalee asked cautiously. She didn't want to end this friendship because she said something insensitive. Was it because she said something about not having a family?

"I'm a boy." Kanda said, as calmly as he could manage under all his irritation and embarrassment.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. It's just that you're so pretty I thought…oh! Sorry…" Lenalee shut herself up before she could say anything else which could be deemed offensive by him.

Kanda paused. Lenalee just said he was pretty…He thought it was weird.

"It's okay." Kanda said. He thought it was better to let it slide than get worked up over it. Doing that would probably cause Lenalee to say weirder things.

Noticing that Kanda had forgiven her, she gave a relieved look before continuing from where she left off. "I mean, I wouldn't mind having another older brother, if that's okay with you."

"…Whatever." Kanda personally didn't mind having a friend. She would be his first one since he came to the Order. His Master didn't count. Marie was a Senpai, not a friend.

Lenalee smiled. The first smile she shown ever since she came to the Order.

* * *

Surprisingly, Lenalee's synchronization rates improved afterwards. It was not much, but it was progress. Noticing that her improvement with her Innocence coincided with her meeting with Kanda, Leverrier ordered Tiedoll to take Lenalee in as well, although not as his official disciple, so that she could spend more time with Kanda. Leverrier didn't like the idea of the children making friends, since they were soldiers, but as long as his objective was realized, he didn't care either way.

* * *

As a result, Lenalee ended up training together with Kanda and Marie under Tiedoll's guidance. When Lenalee and Kanda were training, Tiedoll realized that their fighting styles worked very well with one another and started training them in various combinations, in which they always executed perfectly after a few tries. It wasn't long before both of them could pose a certain threat to Marie, despite him being older and bigger, when they paired up against him. Lenalee felt contented for the first time in two years.

_If only things could remain like this, then I'll__ be able to grow up peacefully and find my brother._

* * *

**Pika318: **So this is my second chapter. I thought I'll put some facts I learnt from the fanbook in here, about how Lenalee mistakes Kanda for a girl. I personally find their childhood relationship cute, and there are not many fics talking about their childhood together, so I decided to write this. Thoughts anyone?


	3. Depression

**Disclaimer: **D. Gray-man and its characters belongs to Hoshino-sensei.

**Chapter 3: Depression**

* * *

A year passed like this, and Kanda and Lenalee grew closer as friends and surrogate siblings. However, as time passed, Lenalee's homesickness became more serious compared to before. She tried not to think about her home with her brother in China, because it made her sad. She wanted to hope that she'll one day be strong enough to be able to go out and find her brother. She tried to convince herself that Kanda was a good enough substitute for her brother. But it never worked. She missed him too much. As a result, despite Kanda's company, it wasn't long before Lenalee fell into depression and her synchronization rates dropped yet again.

The Scientists were shocked. Wasn't Lenalee showing steady improvement in the past year? In order to find the root of the problem, they started conducting more tests on her. _He _started piling pressure on her. She couldn't take it anymore. She was sick of it. She wanted to go home. She wanted her brother.

Suddenly, Lenalee started hiding from the Finders who came to bring her to Hevlaska. She started trying to escape, trying to leave the building. Every time she got caught and punished, she escaped to Kanda's room, the only place which made her feel safe when he was inside. He never asked questions, which was comforting. Just like her older brother. Every time she ran to her brother, he asked nothing and hugged her. She wanted to see her brother so badly. She cried almost all the time now.

Kanda could only watch and keep her company every time she ran to his room. That was the only support he could offer her. He tried teaching her meditation once, so she could distract herself from all her depressing thoughts. It worked somewhat, for a while, not very long. He learnt not to ask her questions. It always made her feel worse. But that was all he could do. He couldn't bring her brother to her, and he couldn't help her escape. He could only watch her and offer her comfort as she spiraled deeper and deeper into the clutches of depression. Another month passed like this.

* * *

Every time Lenalee closed her eyes, every time she saw the white coats and the _cloaked things_, every time she saw _him_, the image of that pale child drifted into her head. If she had ran into the lab at that moment, would the experiment be halted?

That boy waved at her, he smiled knowing that she was watching. And then he was erased. The adults did not mourn, they just clicked their tongues angrily when they found out they lost another white rat.

_Would that happen to me? Would I also become that Fallen one?_

The small girl curled up in her bed crying.

"Brother, brother…Take me home…"

* * *

_Maybe it wouldn't hurt at all._

Lenalee stood on the roof of the Black Order, observing the scenery below. From this height, the golems, which circled the base of the Order, looked like ants. Black ants, crawling around in groups, scrutinizing their prey before closing in on them. She never liked the golems. With them around, she was always being watched. Not now though, she made sure she locked her golem in her room before she came here. She must not be seen.

She shifted her focus to the forest. Even if the Order was on a cliff, the forest flourished, the trees forming a thick canopy such that it was difficult to see the forest floor from above. A strong wind blew as well, threatening to knock her small frame over.

_The wind is strong today. I wonder if it would blow me deep into the forest. Then I would stay there until the trees eat me. I don't think the people in the Order would be able to find me if I was carried deep inside._

_If I'm lucky, the wind might even blow me to my brother._

Lenalee removed her Dark Boots before climbing onto the wall and standing on the edge. She needed to make sure that she would not stop herself on the way down. Looking down towards the ground once more, she realized the full extent of her drop. She shivered, not because she was afraid of heights, but in the anticipation that everything was going to end soon.

_Maybe I'll lose consciousness on the way dow__n, so it wouldn't hurt that much. If I'm lucky, the wind might even blow me off the cliff entirely, so I'll be sure to die. That would be a lot better than surviving the fall and slowly bleeding to my death._

* * *

Kanda climbed up the stairs, heading to the roof. Even since he discovered that he was able to access the roof, he made sure to go there at least twice a week. He naturally liked high places, because it meant he was nearer to the sky and there will be hardly anything obstructing his view, which made him relax, although he did not know the reason for it.

However, as he moved towards the door opening out to the roof, he had a strange feeling. Like something bad was going to happen. It was the kind of feeling which sends shivers down your spine or gave your arms goosebumps. He couldn't figure out the reason for it. Trying to push the feeling down, he reached out his hand and opened the door.

And tried not to gasp in shock at the sight which greeted him. Lenalee was there, standing on the ledge, looking down. The ledge was dangerously thin and as long as she lost her balance, Lenalee was sure to fall. He noticed the Dark Boots on the floor, she had taken it off. Why?

_Is she trying to kill herself?_

Making his decision, Kanda slowly moved away from the door and towards her, trying not to make any sudden moves to alert her. He didn't want her to turn around in shock and fall over. Down to the ground below. As he moved closer, he was relieved that she did not notice him, too deep in her own thoughts. Then, as soon as he was within an arm's length of her, he quickly grabbed her ankle and used all his strength to pull her down.

* * *

Lenalee felt someone grab her ankle and pull her backwards, but before she could react or even try to keep her balance, her feet lost contact with the ledge and she fell unceremoniously on the ground, or rather, on top of Kanda.

"Kanda!" Lenalee shouted in surprise. Apparently, she had miscalculated. She had forgotten that Kanda had like coming to the roof and it was her own misfortune that the day she chose to end her life was the day Kanda decided to come up here. But there was still some way to salvage the situation, she got off him quickly, trying to go to the ledge again. If she got up there fast enough and jumped, even Kanda would not be able to stop her. However, she felt herself unable to move even one step closer to the wall. Kanda had a firm grip on her ankle.

* * *

Kanda refused to let go. If he did, Lenalee would just run to the ledge and jump before he was able to stop her. He needed to stop her now, or everything would be too late.

"Lenalee, why are you doing this?" he tried to ask her as calmly as possible, but he could detect the shaking in his own voice.

Lenalee spun around. Kanda noticed she was glaring straight at him, angry at being stopped.

"Let go of me, Kanda! Can't you just let me do what I want? You always listened to me before."

"This time is different! I can't let you kill yourself. Why are you doing this?"

"I thought it was clear! I hate this place! I hate being here, being tested on all the time. It's like a never ending nightmare and I want to end it myself! I just want to end it, Kanda, don't you understand?"

Kanda noticed Lenalee sounded desperate, almost insane even. He needed to appeal to the more rational side of her. He thought of her longing to see her brother, would that be enough to convince her? He had to try.

"Lenalee, you can't do this. Didn't you tell me you were waiting for someone? That you were waiting to see your brother?"

Kanda could sense that Lenalee had stopped trying to pull away from him.

"My brother…"

"Yes, your older brother. Didn't you tell me that you wanted to see him?" Kanda tried to sound comforting, hoping she would stop thinking about death.

Suddenly, Lenalee pulled her leg away, almost causing Kanda to lose his grip. He was shocked, but he managed to hold on nevertheless. Was what he just said useless?

"Let go of me! I'm going to see my brother right now!"

Kanda was convinced that Lenalee was close to losing her mind. He kept his grip. He needed to do more to convince her.

"Lenalee! You can't see your brother by ending your life. You talked to me about him many times before. Didn't you say he loves you a lot, was really smart and dedicated to his research? Didn't you say he was a genius and smarter than anyone else around him? If he was as great as you described him, he would be looking for you right now. He's probably putting in a lot of effort, working, so he is able to get to you. Can't you trust him?"

"Shut up! Let me go! It's already been so long, he probably doesn't even know where I was taken to. How would he be able to find me?"

"That's why I'm telling you to trust him. Tell yourself that he would be able to find out where you are and he's on his way to find you right now. He's trying hard and you should too. You'll have to live so he would be able to find you. Once you're dead, he won't be able to find you no matter how hard he tries. Do you want all that love and effort to go to waste?"

"Shut up, you're just trying to keep me alive so you won't get into trouble for not managing to stop me. And stop talking about my brother like you understand how I feel! You probably don't, since your Innocence is listening to you. You have a kind master and you don't get tests run on you all the time. YOU'RE NOT WAITING FOR ANYONE! So stop talking like you understand me!"

Kanda felt a stabbing pain in his heart. Lenalee's words were harsh. It was as if the last one year they spent together was for nothing. It was like they never made friends. Before he could open his mouth to reply, the door behind him flew open. Kanda turned around. It was two Finders and a doctor.

They moved in quickly, restraining the protesting Lenalee and sedating her so she fell unconscious. The doctor carried her, taking her to the Medical Ward. With their job done, the Finders turned towards Kanda.

"Bring her Dark Boots to the ward. We can't touch Innocence." One of the Finders said to him.

Kanda, still a little shocked by the turn of events, managed to ask, "How did you find out?"

"Your golem. It transmitted the conversation to the office when the scientists were doing a routine transmission check."

Kanda glanced at the golem next to him. So it was the golem who saved the situation.

"Make sure the Innocence is brought to her." The other Finder said before both of them left the roof.

Kanda stood up. He had been sitting on the floor the whole time. Ignoring the numbness of his legs, he walked towards the Dark Boots and picked it up. He wondered if Innocence felt said when they are abandoned by their accommodator. The Dark Boots had looked really lonely, sitting in the corner all by itself. Carrying the Dark Boots carefully, he made his way down the stairs and towards the Medical Ward, trying to forget all the events that just happened, especially what Lenalee said to him.

* * *

**Pika318: **If any of you are wondering, I'm not suffering from depression and I do not have suicidal thoughts. This chapter is to further elaborate Lenalee's depression, seeing that 'Before Allen Came' did not emphasize much on it. If any of you are confused, the second section of the story outlines Lenalee's thoughts about the Togaochi incident and is the main source of her depression and the main reason why she keeps escaping.


	4. Hate

**Disclaimer: **D. Gray Man and its characters belong to Hoshino-sensei.

**Chapter 4: ****Hate**

* * *

Kanda sat on the bed in his room, trying his best not to think about the events on the roof. He had brought the Dark Boots to the Medical Ward earlier, but Lenalee was still asleep and the Head Matron would not let him stay, so he just put the Boots next to her bed and returned to his room. But no matter how hard he tried the events from this morning kept replaying in his head, especially Lenalee's words to him.

_And stop talking about my brother like you understand how I feel! You probably don't, since your Innocence is listening to you._

Kanda never knew Lenalee actually minded the fact that Mugen was able to synchronise with him with no problems. He always thought that Lenalee disliked Dark Boots, so she willingly pushed her Innocence away, which led to the low synchronisation rates. Was it possible that Lenalee was actually trying her best but couldn't achieve results because her rational thought could not overcome her instinctive dislike for Innocence?

_You have a kind master and you don't get tests run on you all the time._

Kanda had to admit that Lenalee was telling the truth. Compared to the Supervisor, General Tiedoll was really nice. When both Lenalee and him were training together, his Master always made sure they didn't tire themselves out or hurt themselves too much. The Supervisor was different, always treating people coldly and has no qualms about pushing people too far. Kanda could bet that the Supervisor won't even care about the fact that he was a factor which convinced Lenalee that death was the easier way. The Supervisor would probably just say that Lenalee was mentally weak.

About the tests, it was true that Kanda never had to go through any tests ever since he met Hevlaska when he first arrived. And the reason was because he was synchronising with Mugen properly. If he had tried harder to help Lenalee, tried harder to understand her, maybe Lenalee would have felt better about her Innocence and the tests would be unnecessary.

_YOU'RE NOT WAITING FOR ANYONE! So stop talking like you unders__tand me!_

For a while, Kanda was inclined to agree with that sentence. Lenalee was obviously waiting for her brother and Kanda did not have any family to wait for. But he was not so sure now. The only reason why he was not waiting for anyone from his past was because he can't remember anyone from his past. He might have family, someone he really cares about, but he can't remember. He was sure there was someone. That someone would be the person who left him the letter, telling him his name, age and birthday. And every time his Master called him 'Yuu-kun', he would have a familiar, but creepy feeling. It always made him feel uneasy. So if he found it familiar, someone would have called him by his first name before, so he must have someone close to him. He was somehow waiting for someone, but he didn't know who.

There was a knock on the door.

"Kanda, it's time for training." It was Marie.

"I'm coming." Kanda replied before picking up his Mugen, set beside his bed. He hoped that training would help him keep his mind off things.

* * *

A few days had passed since Lenalee's suicide attempt. Given Lenalee's state of mind and the possibility that she might just try to kill herself again, Leverrier decided that it was too dangerous to leave Lenalee by herself. The Exorcists were few in number and there was no need to lose another unnecessarily. As a result, there were now Finders and some nurses watching her all the time.

Lenalee always felt that the Black Order was a prison. With this constant watch, she was now even further convinced of this fact. Over the next few days, no matter how hard the nurses tried to cheer her up by taking her outside; or tried to keep her healthy by getting her to eat properly, Lenalee never smiled anymore. She refused to eat anymore than the initial mouthful. She grew thinner. Her eyes became deadened. She became like a zombie, constantly asking to go home; asking for her brother. It wasn't long before she fell seriously ill and had to be confined to the Medical Ward.

After Kanda found out about her condition, he tried to visit her many times, but was always rejected by the nurses, who said that Lenalee was not feeling well enough to receive visitors. Unable to see Lenalee, and having no information at all about her condition, Kanda found it difficult to concentrate, even during training. His thoughts were constantly occupied by Lenalee's condition.

* * *

"Kanda, you seem to be spacing out quite a lot lately, is there anything wrong?" Marie asked during one of their training sessions together. Their master was busy with other matters.

"It's nothing." Marie heard Kanda say, but his acute sense of hearing could sense the worried undertones in his voice and wondered if it had anything to do with Lenalee. But he knew better than to probe further. Kanda would just try to avoid answering him.

"Maybe we should stop here for today. There's no point in continuing if you can't concentrate." Marie suggested.

"Oh, ok. I'm sorry." Marie heard Kanda mumble apologetically before leaving the dojo. There was definitely something worrying his Junior.

* * *

Kanda walked out of the dojo, deep in thought once more. He couldn't talk to Lenalee because they won't let him see her, but surely there was another way he could help her? If only there was something he could do so she could go home, or at least contact her brother somehow. But as much as he hated to admit it, he was only a child; he can't possibly help her escape. That left only one way. He walked towards the main staircase, making his way deeper into the Order.

It wasn't long before he reached the Supervisor's Office. Standing outside the door, he wondered if he was made the right decision. What are the chances that the Supervisor would actually even listen to his request, let alone agree to it? But he had to try. It was much better than watching Lenalee waste away, and not being able to do anything about it. She did not have her brother by her side. It was up to him to do something to help her.

Kanda raised his hand slowly, and knocked on the door. He noticed his hand was shaking. Was he nervous, or was he, somehow, also afraid of the Supervisor.

"Come in."

Kanda took a deep breath, and willed his arms to open the door. The door opened slowly and he walked into the large office, trying not to reveal his nervousness to the person sitting behind the desk.

Leverrier looked towards the door, and his eyes narrowed as he realized who it was. Normally, it was only the Scientists who disturbed him and the Exorcists do not enter his office unless they have a mission briefing. What was this child doing here, disturbing him on a whim?

"What do you want?"

"It's about Lenalee."

"And what about her? As you know, she is a very troublesome child and I do not expect you to be the same."

"She's getting worse."

"I know that. And it's her fault for being too weak." Leverrier did not bother to sympathise with Lenalee's situation. Children are too weak, which is why he did not approve of child Exorcists in the first place, even if they were able to be trained from a younger age.

"I was hoping…I just want to ask you…"

"What is it?" Leverrier asked, losing his patience. He had a lot of work to do.

"Is it possible to allow Lenalee to go home, even for a short while?"

"That's absurd. No one is allowed to go home after they come here."

Kanda expected the rejection, but he had to try to argue this way through.

"But Lenalee is getting worse, she misses her home and she won't get better unless she goes back for a while."

"And then? Even if I agree, do you know where her home is? Even if we find her home, would she agree to come back with us afterwards? Have you even thought of these things before coming here to disturb me with an irrational request?" That was why Leverrier disliked children, they never thought of the big picture, always acting on their emotions.

"Well, at least find her brother for her…" Kanda asked, almost begging.

"That's impossible. Now get out of my office before you waste more of my time."

Kanda opened his mouth to protest, but the Supervisor had already returned to his work, meaning the discussion was closed. He left the Office, rather dejected. As he walked through the door though, he almost bumped into the Head Matron.

* * *

The Head Matron stood outside the Supervisor's Office. She was here to give her routine report on Lenalee's condition. But that was not all. She needed to convince the Supervisor to give Lenalee some fresh air. Being watched by the Finders all the time constricted Lenalee. She knew that very well. They were getting in the way of her recovery. That was the least she could do.

_She's just a child. Surely, she deserves better treatment than this._

The Head Matron pushed the door, not bothering to knock. But as the door opened slightly, she heard a child, pleading with the Supervisor about Lenalee. She kept the door closed, listening in to the conversation.

_That voice…it belongs to the other child, Kanda Yuu. He's asking the Supervisor to let Lenalee go home?__ To dare to talk to the Supervisor about this by himself, he really cares about Lenalee a lot, does he?_

After a few minutes, the conversation ended and the door opened. She stepped back quickly, but the young Exorcist almost bumped into her anyway.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She heard him say. She noticed he looked disappointed, which was rather understandable, considering what just happened.

"It's alright. It's my fault for standing so close to the door anyway."

There was a pause. Then the Head Matron heard him ask, "How's Lenalee?" She could detect that he was worried. That was also understandable, she heard from the other nurses that he kept trying to visit, only to get rejected repeatedly.

"She's just fine, for now. But she could be better."

"Oh, I see."

Seeing the worry on his face, and considering that he just did a very brave thing for Lenalee's sake, the Head Matron made a decision. The report would have to wait.

"Why don't I bring you to see Lenalee, she is well enough by now to receive visitors."

"Really? Thank you." Seeing the relieved and hopeful look on his face, the Head Matron knew she may have did the right thing.

* * *

The Head Matron and Kanda climbed up the main staircase, making their way to the Infirmary. The Head Matron led the way.

_Kanda's visit might just do her good. Ever since she fell ill, she had been confined to the ward. Even with all the nurses, she must have felt really lonely, without another child to talk to. Lenalee had cheered up considerably after making friends with him, so letting him visit would be an appropriate thing to do._

Reaching the Infirmary, the Head Matron chased all the nurses and Finders out of the ward, saying that the two children need some time alone and Kanda was good enough for keeping an eye on her.

"Lenalee's bed is the furthest into the room, nearest to the window. Now go see her." She gave him a push into the room, encouraging him inside. He seemed to have frozen at the door just now. Maybe it was nervousness.

* * *

_The Head nurse is so scary. _Kanda thought as all the adults were chased out of the room. He reminded himself not to incur her wrath. Then he felt a push on his back and the Head Nurse telling him to go in, so he obliged, making his way towards Lenalee's bed.

_I wonder if she would be happy to see me. We have not seen each other since that incident more than one week ago. Maybe it would be good if we talked__._

Lenalee barely registered the commotion as the adults were chased out of the ward. As long as it had nothing to do with her going home or seeing her brother, she didn't really care anymore. She heard the door close and some footsteps. She suddenly had a odd feeling of hopefulness. Was it possible that her brother came? That's why she was allowed to be alone? She sat up in her bed, curious to know who it was, and found herself facing Kanda instead.

Kanda looked over at her as he reached her bed and was relieved to see that she was still well. Pale, but at least she can sit up by herself.

_She looks okay, maybe she'll get discharged soon and we can spend time together, just like before._

"Are you okay?" Kanda asked, concerned about her condition.

Lenalee heard the question, but instead of feeling happy that he came, she felt disappointment rise up inside of her. It wasn't her brother. No one listened to her after all. Everything she did before was for nothing. She thought that if she refused to eat and fell sick, the adults would take pity on her and fulfill her wish. Apparently, she was too naïve. But more strongly than disappointment, she felt an irrational anger at the person standing in front of her.

Kanda stopped her from ending everything, and that was exactly why she was suffering so much now. He was the reason why she was not able to leave this hated place and why she was still facing _him. _He was the cause of all her current problems. If he just let her die, at the very least, she could be in Heaven. This place was worse than Hell.

Kanda felt a sense of foreboding when Lenalee did not smile. Was she unhappy seeing him?

Or was it because she's still not well enough yet?

Then he heard her say.

"I hate you."

* * *

**Pika318: **I'm going to stop here for Chapter 4. I just realised that I made Lenalee a bit OOC here. But considering that she's under depression and still very much suicidal, it should be okay. Moko-chan was visibly upset when I asked her to read this, I was just wondering if you guys feel the same when you read this.


	5. Drift

**Disclaimer: **D. Gray Man belongs to Hoshino-sensei

**Chapter 5: Drift**

* * *

"I hate you."

Kanda was shocked. He never knew Lenalee as the kind of person to say such harsh things, at least not this directly. Even if she disliked something, if it was something like food or a certain playtime activity, she was just decline it politely and suggested something else. If it was something she couldn't control, like going to the routine tests, she would force herself to accept the situation, because she knew there was nothing she could do about it. He never heard her reject anything so strongly before. And it was directed at him.

"Lenalee, what are you talking about? Are you really okay?" Kanda didn't want to believe that Lenalee actually meant what she just said. They had been together for more than one year, almost two. She couldn't possibly hate him, could she?

"I HATE YOU!" Lenalee repeated herself, more strongly this time. "GET OUT!" She hated him now. She was sure that he played a part in causing all her current problems. She didn't want him around anymore. She wanted her brother. Her brother would understand everything she told him. He wouldn't question her like Kanda did.

"Lenalee…" Kanda said, more desperately this time. "You have to calm down, or you'll make yourself worse." He didn't want to see her like this. He had hoped that she'll be happy to see him, and they would be able to talk to each other again. Whatever was happening now was completely different.

"Who are you to order me around like that? In the end, you're the same as the others, do you think I would always listen to you?"

"I'm not ordering you around, Lenalee. I just want…"

"I'm telling you to get out. I don't want you around anymore. It's your fault. Everything which I am facing now is your fault. So just get out." Lenalee didn't bother to yell anymore. She was too mentally drained.

Kanda was rather relieved that Lenalee wasn't shouting anymore. Maybe she would be able to calm down if he chose his words carefully from now on. He didn't want her to say those painful words anymore. And he hoped even more that they were not true, that Lenalee said it due to her weak state, and she didn't mean what she said.

"Lenalee, I'm here to help you. I was hoping we could talk."

"I don't need your help. I need my brother. You're not my brother. I don't need you. Stop trying to act like you care. So just get out."

"Lenalee…I really do care…"

Lenalee didn't bother to listen to Kanda anymore. She couldn't trust him, not after what happened on the roof. He had said so before that he would help her, so why did he stop her when she tried to end this nightmare? Obviously, he never meant what he said.

"GET OUT!" and to emphasize her point, Lenalee grabbed the glass of water beside her bed and threw it at him.

Kanda saw the glass cup flying towards him and it was only through his training that he was able to avoid being hit by it. It flew past him, hitting the wall behind. The cup shattered.

* * *

The Head Matron stood outside the Ward, hoping that the children are having a nice conversation. However, after one minute or two, she heard shouting and not long after that, the sound of breaking glass. She quickly opened the door and ran in, praying that there were no injuries.

* * *

Kanda turned as he heard the door open and saw the Head Matron run in. She must have heard the sound when the cup broke.

The Head Matron turned towards him.

"Are you hurt?"

"No." Even though he sound calm, Kanda was shaken up inside, trying to process what just happened. Lenalee never used violence before, and never against him. Did she really hate him that much? Just because he was not her brother?

* * *

After making sure that Kanda was not hurt, the Head Matron then turned away, moving towards Lenalee, trying to calm her down. She didn't expect things to turn out like this. Did she actually make a wrong decision bringing him here? Now, not only did Lenalee not get better, she actually became worse. And Kanda had to be subjected to a very bad experience as well. Quite clearly, she was unable to understand Lenalee at all. It was all her fault.

"Maybe you should leave, Kanda." She said, with her back facing him. As Head Matron, she was too guilty to face him right now. Instead of healing, she had caused more hurt instead.

She received no answer, but heard the door open and close.

* * *

Kanda ran out of the Ward, holding back the tears that were threatening to spill over. Judging from her behaviour and actions in the Ward, he could tell that Lenalee really hated him now. Because he stopped her, and because he wasn't her brother. He never regretted stopping Lenalee from killing herself. He cared for her, and it would be utterly foolish to allow her to jump. However, he regretted, hated himself even, for not being able to do anything significant to help her as she went into depression. If he was able to do something, maybe she wouldn't even think of suicide in the first place. And everything would not be as it is now. In the end, he was unable to do anything.

Reaching his room, Kanda went inside and locked the door. He didn't want anyone disturbing him, or seeing him like this. He had to be strong. So that he would be able to do something. For himself, and Lenalee's sake.

* * *

A week passed, and it was only through the nurses' constant efforts that Lenalee was well enough to leave the ward. By unbeknownst to the nurses, Lenalee had been trying to get well too. Not because she found hope, but because her goal was to leave the ward. It was for her plan.

* * *

A week ago, after Kanda left the ward, the Head Matron had cleaned up all the glass on the floor, or so she thought. In her hurry, she had missed one piece which had slid near the table beside the bed. Lenalee had found it when her bed sheets were being changed later in the day. Sitting in her chair, she had looked downwards and found the glass piece. A plan started to form in her mind.

She had waited until the nurse turned to deposit the bed sheet into the laundry basket before quickly bending down and picking up the medium sized piece of glass. Then she hid it inside her clothes. Now, all she needed to do was to get well, so she could leave the ward. And end the nightmare.

* * *

Once Lenalee left the Ward, she was brought to Hevlaska for testing once more. She obliged. She needed the Finders to think that she was finally being obedient, so she could take action when her chance came.

A few days passed before her chance finally came. Given her good behaviour the past few days, the Finders decided that Lenalee would probably not hide or run away from them anymore. They finally let their guard down and allowed her to go into the washroom by herself.

Once Lenalee entered the washroom, she quickly closed the door behind her and locked it. Now no one would be able to disturb her. Taking out the piece of glass, she looked at it, trying to find the sharpest edge. If she couldn't kill herself by jumping, then she would just try to bleed to death. It was quieter.

Gritting her teeth in concentration, she put the glass to her wrist and applied pressure, trying hard not to gasp too loudly at the pain that she felt. She had made a rather deep cut. After five minutes, she found that she felt giddy and was slowly losing consciousness.

_Soon…this nightmare would end soon._

Then the world faded to black.

* * *

The Finders waited impatiently outside the washroom. Lenalee was taking too long.

"She's taking too long. I think we should go and check." One of the Finders said.

"Maybe she's just being slow, girls are like that sometimes." The other Finder replied. He had a daughter at home, he knew what it was like.

"I don't think so. She never took that long, and it's quite possible that she could have somehow run away again."

"But she was so obedient the past few days."

"It could be a decoy. I'm going in." Opening the door, he realised one of the doors were locked. Thinking that he might have made a mistake, he almost left the washroom, until he saw the blood on the floor.

_Crap_

"Rick! Get the nurses! We have an emergency!" He shouted outside before proceeding to climb over the door and unlocking it.

Rick heard the shout and ran for the Medical Ward. Luckily for them, it wasn't too far away.

* * *

Everything was dark. Lenalee wondered if that was what death actually felt like. She wanted to stay here, taking comfort in the darkness. But it wasn't long before she was jolted back into reality.

The first thing she registered was the noise. The nurses were moving around her, checking her status and her wound. Then she tried to move, and found that she couldn't. They had tied her down. One of the nurses noticed her movement.

"Oh, you're awake already? It's good that we got there in time. We can't afford to lose you after all. Now, no more thinking of trying to kill yourself, okay?"

_It's not good at all. Why can't you come later and just leave me there to die?_

Lenalee hated it. Why can't she die no matter how hard she tried? Now, she can't move at all. What can she do now?

"I want to go home." Now, all she can do is plead and hope they listen.

* * *

A few days had passed. Kanda had not seen Lenalee since she shouted at him almost two weeks ago. Trying to push the incident out of his mind, he had decided to focus on his training and was making progress at summoning his First Illusion. His Master had told him not to rush it, but besides training, he pretty much had nothing to do.

When he was not training though, he would be walking around the Order, mostly to the Infirmary. He had heard that Lenalee had been readmitted. But he never dared to walk in, so he always watched from a distance, sometimes directly opposite the Ward but most of the times, from above. He always watched the door, observing the nurses' behaviour, sometimes the Finders, to deduce Lenalee's condition.

At the same time, he had also noticed that the Science Department had been very busy. They were constantly moving around, carrying things, packing things into boxes. He decided to ask Marie. With his acute hearing, Marie knew everything that was going around in the Order. And that was when Kanda found out that Leverrier was leaving. He had been promoted and was leaving for Central. Someone else would take his place.

Kanda didn't know whether he should feel happy at the news. Leverrier had always been the source of Lenalee's fear and most of her troubles. Would she be happy to know about it? But he didn't dare to go and tell her. She might not even care now. She might get angry at him again. So he stayed far away from the Medical Ward, watching from a distance.

* * *

It was only two days later did something different happen from the usual routine. Instead of seeing the Finders outside the Ward, there was no Finder in sight. Instead, Kanda saw two nurses bringing someone to the Ward. Someone he had never seen before. And that someone was wearing a white coat bearing the rose cross.

_Is he the new supervisor? And why is he walking towards the Medical Ward? There's no one in there except Lenalee._

Curious about the new visitor and his business in the Ward, Kanda waited until the person entered the room and the departure of the nurses before he ran as quietly and as quickly as he could to the door. He slowly pushed open the door, and he heard,

"This is your home now. I'm sorry I took so long, Lenalee."

"Brother…"

_The new Supervisor, Lenalee's brother?_

Then he heard Lenalee cry, not in sadness, but in happiness and relief. That was when he understood.

He was an idiot.

_I mean, I wouldn't mind having another older brother, if that's okay with you._

That was what Lenalee had said two years back. But when she said it, she only wanted a friend, not another older brother. No one could replace her brother. He understood that now. And he was such a hopeful idiot to believe that sentence, trying to hard to help her. She didn't need him at all. All she needed was her own brother. No wonder she rejected him earlier.

Kanda turned and walked away quietly, careful not to disturb the people inside.

* * *

Marie was in the dojo, training with General Tiedoll. It was one of the rare times that Tiedoll was free and he was wondering if he should ask Kanda to join him or just leave his younger student to his own devices. Children should have their own free time.

Just as Tiedoll was pondering his decision, the door to the dojo opened and Kanda walked in. Tiedoll was about to greet his younger student and ask him if he wanted to join in, but quickly noticed the rather upset expression on his face.

"Yuu-kun, is there anything wrong?" Tiedoll asked, walking up to his younger student. He had never seen Kanda this upset before.

Tiedoll received no answer from his student and was about to say something else when Kanda reached out, grabbed onto his coat, and started crying. Tiedoll was shocked. His student was crying, and he didn't know why.

He looked to Marie for some guidance, and receiving a negative answer from his older student, Tiedoll settled for hugging Kanda to offer him some comfort. His questions would have to wait.

* * *

Kanda had felt better afterwards, but he refused to tell his master what had happened. Whatever happened was because he was too hopeful and too naïve. He had mistakenly opened up his heart to someone who didn't really need it and he got himself hurt in the end. He was determined not to repeat the same idiotic mistake. For now, it was over between him and Lenalee. They should just remain as acquaintances. And it would be the same for everyone else after this.

After Komui's arrival, Lenalee had stuck to him for close to three weeks. Her synchronisation rates rose suddenly with no problems and it wasn't long before she was put to her own training. Kanda had also started on his own missions, so things got quite hectic afterwards. As a result, Lenalee did not have many chances to talk to Kanda at all. So for a long time, she remained unaware of the rift which had been driven between them. The incidents were forgotten.

It was only until many years later did Lenalee realize that Kanda was not as close to her compared to before, and that was when she realised that it was the consequences of those incidents that she had pushed away from her mind. She made an effort to talk to Kanda more after this, but to no avail. He wasn't rude to her, which was good. However he was too formal, like she was just another colleague, not the childhood friend she had grew up with. He wouldn't speak to her unless spoken to and it was considered an achievement to even get a full sentence out of him. Then things got hectic again, with her new duties and all. And the incidents were forgotten once again. The rift kept widening.

* * *

**Pika318: **To anyone who is reading this, I know the last section kind of sucks, it's my attempt at the epilogue. Yes, this is the last chapter. I'll like to thank everyone who clicked on my story, thus showing their interest in this.

I'll also like to give a big THANK YOU to MidgetJas, M.A.Y.4, Gabby123, SlientDeathReaper, leriko, Daytime Stars and MiyaloutheStorm for putting my story under Alerts and Favourites. It shows how much you care for my story. And an even bigger THANK YOU again to M.A.Y.4 and fireykaigurl for reviewing.


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